Sometimes I Wonder If This Job is Worth It

By Luke Cleghorn

All of us who work in EMS, Fire/Rescue, and Law Enforcement have asked ourselves this question at one point…

Is a career in emergency response truly worth it? Will I ever be able to sleep without fear of what I will dream about? A night of needed sleep can quickly change into a montage of all the things I wish I could forget, but know I will never be able to…

The anguished look on the face of a mother as she puts the lifeless body of her baby girl into my arms — fully believing I will be able to make everything better.

The sense of failure when we are unable to get the child back after working the code for a full hour.

The chilling scream of that mother when the ER doc tells her that she will never be able to hold her baby again.

The elderly patient who died the other morning, her husband of over 60 years holding her hand and silently weeping as her heart ceased beating.

Or the young man who believed life was not worth living and took a pistol and blew his brains onto the garage wall. And then there was the look on the face of his mother who found him.

So, is it worth it?

Is it worth it to never be able to drive down a road without memories of the mangled bodies from that last call?

Is it worth it to wake in the middle of the night and rush to an accident to find a truck that had been travelling over 100 MPH has struck a tree and killed all the occupants?

Is it worth it to never be able to forget the smell of the talcum powder from the airbags, mixed with the metallic tang of blood and the overpowering smell of alcohol rising from the pools of coagulating blood?

Is it worth it to never forget the sight of abused, malnourished children living in absolute squalor?

Is it worth it to be called away from a Thanksgiving dinner, twice in the same day, to see the faces of family members as you perform CPR on their mother, wife and sister who had laid down for a nap after a good Thanksgiving dinner and never woke up?

Is it worth it to be filled with anger and hate at the midwife whose lies and incompetence caused a family to lose their child, and almost lose their mother?

Is it worth it to never be able to forget the blank stare on the face of that 5-year-old who just witnessed his father being crushed to death?

Is it worth it to be spit on and urinated on, and have your family and friends cursed by the ungrateful patient who fails to realize that it is your sworn and sacred duty to help them in their hour of greatest need?

Is it worth it to feel devastated whenever a brother or sister firefighter, EMT, paramedic, or law enforcement officer is killed?

Is it worth it to always wonder if your patient would have lived had you simply noticed a symptom a minute earlier, or started an intervention a few seconds earlier?

Worst of all, is it worth it to no longer feel sadness at the death and sorrow you see, but only numbness?

When this is all I see, I must come to the conclusion that this career is not worth what it has done to me.

But then I consider the good side… Does it balance out the sorrow and evil we are confronted with?

Is it worth it when that kind note is received from the patient you had forgotten about?

Is it worth it when you see that look of relief and joy on the face of the husband and father when you tell him his wife and newborn baby will be alright?

Is it worth it when you have that great conversation, including wise life advice, with an elderly patient on a simple inter-facility transport?

Is it worth it when you unexpectedly meet a former patient and don’t recognize them because the traumatic injuries from the first and only time you saw them have healed? But they recognize you, give you a huge hug and excitedly tell everyone around how you helped bring them back from the brink of death.

Is it worth it when you see the grateful face of the child you helped rescue from an abusive home?

Is it worth it when you find you have won the respect of those you work with?

Is it worth it when you know that those you work with would die for you without a second thought, and that you would do the same for them?

Is it worth it when you realize that you have life experience and confidence far beyond your years?

As firefighter Mark Bezos said, “Not every day is going to offer us the chance to save somebody’s life, but every day offers us an opportunity to affect one.”

We cannot heal this world; that is a work reserved for God Almighty.

It is only after we accept these truths and realize that we cannot rid the world of evil, merely help to mitigate the impact it has, that we can become more effective providers, and realize that yes, it is worth it.